Women should stop vaginizing America and let dudes be dudes.
Bret Ernst has to wax his eyebrows every three days or else they grow into a goatee.
Eight thousand items on a menu is excessive.
Cool chicks only go out in pairs because they don't like to hang out with other girls.
Rich white women always look like they just smelled crap.
If the world is a nightclub, America is the guy who can walk right in.
Bret Ernst's gay older brother flew out of the womb and promised to never go back in there.
Every Italian guy thinks he's a model because his mother's been telling him how good looking he is.
Bret Ernst will not use cheap gimmicks to get you to watch his Comedy Central Presents special.