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Jeff Stilson streamlines his death.
Jeff Stilson spends his Saturdays with televangelists.
"Go away, you big bad man," doesn't register as much of a curse.
Why do people continue to exercise after marriage?
Fluffy might be cute, but he's not getting a liver transplant.
Rats are just a bushy tail away from being a squirrel.
"Delivery" is the wrong word to describe child birth.
Couples should spend two weeks apart after they get married.
When flirting, you want to act confident, not maniacal.
I don't like interviews after the games, though, because the
winning players always give credit to God, while the losers blame themselves. You...
One woman broke up with me and told me I was insecure. I
thought, 'Great, this is gonna help. I feel a lot better about myself now.'
Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them
straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though. I got that going...
I didn't lose my virginity 'til I was 18 years old. Think
that's because I was born by caesarean section. I really didn't have a frame of reference.
Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like
telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
Our Supreme Court has even ruled that forcing one inmate to
share a cell with another who smokes is cruel and unusual punishment. In other words,...
I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I
left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate. I...
There are too many weird Olympic events now, like that one
where the gymnasts prance around the mat swirling a piece of ribbon. It's called...
I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of
dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.
I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men
now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role...