Mike DeStefano's job is to curse at people who don't have a funny friend to hang out with.
Mike DeStefano can make jokes about black people because his third best friend is black.
Life is all about chocolate milk.
Gay people shouldn't have named their parade after one of the seven deadly sins.
If you do drugs for most of your life, you'll end up with a Comedy Central Presents special.
Professional Americans feel it's their job to love America.
Mike DeStefano doesn't apologize because he doesn't give a sh*t.
Mike DeStefano warns the young kids in the audience that bad things are coming.
Cab drivers in New York City are racist and smell like sadness.