If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 98891When Mitch Hedberg's neighbor knocks on the wall, he tells him to go around.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 40509Because of acid, Mitch Hedberg now knows that butter is way better than margarine.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 57585Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 41226Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 49233It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing.
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 42111Asking a good comedian to write a script is like asking a good chef, "Can you farm?"
Posted: 01/04/1999 Views: 29673Mitch Hedberg is inspired by his yogurt.
Posted: 05/22/1998 Views: 26548