winners here!
The Showdown is OVER!
The winners have been declared and the losers are plotting revenge. The ultimate comedy throwdown is over. Find out where your favorite comedian ranked. Thanks for voting!
Tammy Pescatelli
"People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'"
Tammy Pescatelli - Booby Boomerang
Bo Burnham
"I'm like a cashew in a lollipop -- just keep sucking till you get to the nut."
Bo Burnham - High School Party
Big Jay Oakerson
"Two years of karate. Two hard years. When I graduated, I was a clear belt. They actually took the color out of my belt. That's how bad I was."
Jay Oakerson - Maury Povich
Lisa Landry
"Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even drink alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?"
Lisa Landry - Groundhog Day
Chad Daniels
"If life expectancy is 75 and you kill a 74-year-old, that's one year in prison. If life expectancy is 75 and you kill an 80-year-old, 5 years credit."
Chad Daniels - Old People
Anthony Jeselnik
"Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that -- then she's mine."
Anthony Jeselnik - Intelligence
Marc Maron
"My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time."
Marc Maron - Human Combustion
Kyle Cease
"You ever go into a restaurant -- whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?"
Kyle Cease - Hulk Hogan Dilemma
Doug Benson
"I have good news and bad news. Bad news: I've been farting a lot. But it smells like McGriddles!"
Stand-Up: Doug Benson - Life Tips
Tommy Johnagin
"The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college."
Tommy Johnagin - Babies
Lewis Black
"You guys are way too excited, and that puts a lot of pressure on me. And I don't respond well to PRESSURE!"
Lewis Black - Hanukkah Sucks
Pete Lee
"You can't be tough if your name is Pete Lee. 'Cause my name has four e's in it. My name sounds like the horn of a moped."
Stand-Up: Pete Lee - Tough Guy Names
Josh Blue
"I told the barber, 'Make me look like a lady cop. A little Cagney in the front and Lacey in the back.'"
Josh Blue - Lady Cop Hairdo
Maria Bamford
"Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash."
Maria Bamford - Half Empty
Andrew Kennedy
"We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock."
Andrew Kennedy - Junk Mail
Rocky Laporte
"My friends say, 'Rocky, you don't seem that old.' I say, 'That's because I read at a third grade level -- keeps me young.'"
Rocky LaPorte - Doctor
Greg Warren
"My friends are all married. They live vicariously through me -- which is a shame for them."
Greg Warren - One-Star Weddings
Stephen Lynch
"Why don't you die, Grandpa? Why must you fight? / You old motherf**ker, just walk toward the goddamn light!"
Stephen Lynch - Grandfather
Chris Porter
"It's hard to drink and not smoke -- it is. If you don't know what it's like, it's like trying to poop and not pee. It's hard."
Chris Porter - Showering
Todd Barry
"I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse."
Todd Barry - Chocolate School
